Ah — it’s, uh, been a while. For the uninitiated, El Banquillo is a set of posts from Barcelona Football Blog’s deep past that were based on an old Jon Bois thing called The Dugout, which is literally the only good thing to ever come out of baseball. There were originally 8 El Banquillo posts published between 2009 and 2012 , but when the site crashed recently, the archives went down in flames and we haven’t been able to restore them (but don’t worry, we still have the files). Just saying that to explain away the lack of links.
On February 6, 2022, Barcelona beat Atletico Madrid 4-2 at the Camp Nou. In an exclusive scoop, thanks to sources close to the club, BFB can now reveal the details of the team’s internal communication regarding the encounter
CHAT LOG FEBRUARY 6, 2022
 PorLaportaGrande | It’s gameday! My second favorite time of day besides Mirror Time! And maybe also cigar and champagne time. So third favorite. Possibly fourth if there’s a press conference to attend. |
 Mr. ProfessorEquis | Uh, yes, sir, it is gameday, now if you wouldn’t mind— |
PorLaportaGrande | I wouldn’t mind doing the team talk, thanks for asking. So glad we could find someone who wasn’t as talkybacky as that Dutch fellow. Glad we got rid of him. |
 KoemanGetMe | I’m still here. |
PorLaportaGrande | Wait what— |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Yeah, he just hangs out here saying things like “Pay me my severance” and “Wembley 1992” and “I didn’t know midfielders could do that.” |
| KoemanGetMe | Well, I’m not sure they can! |
PorLaportaGrande | Do you live in one of the lockers or something? |
| KoemanGetMe | … |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | … |
PorLaportaGrande | Uh— |
 IAmNotYourFather | He lives in mine, sir. Asked if he could move in on my first day. |
PorLaportaGrande | Lou Diamond Phillips has thoughts on this, I think. Wait did you say on your first day— |
Mr. ProfessorEquis | That movie came out when I was 8. I’m now old enough to be the father of the senior members of this squad. |
PorLaportaGrande | Are we just going to ignore the part about— |
 Gavi | My entire life could go between when that film came out and the day I was born! Incredible. Is that movie in black and white? Is it a “talkie”? |
PorLaportaGrande | All right, all right, I’ll get new bodies in lockers references for next time. |
 I<3Cows | And next time bring us our severance payments! |
PorLaportaGrande | What— |
| I<3Cows | I sleep in the soaking tub. |
PorLaportaGrande | That’s gross, but— |
 ErnieGreenValley | I’m attached to the ceiling with duct tape. |
 No1DraftPique | Ha! I did that! |
PorLaportaGrande | That’s a good one! Take that, Ernie! Hope you like it up there. |
ErnieGreenValley | It is what it is. |
PorLaportaGrande | Argh, foiled again. |
Mr. ProfessorEquis | Sir, the team talk— |
PorLaportaGrande | Of course, of course, ha ha! This guy is always keeping me on task. So, as I was saying…what was I saying? |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | That it would be an honor to listen to me give the team talk. |
PorLaportaGrande | Yes, yes, it would be an honor to listen to the manager’s team talk. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Right, men, listen. This is going to be a tough match. We know Simeone is hard as nails so we’ll need to be on our game today. |
 Nico | I heard he’s actually made of nails. |
| Gavi | If you poke him, he’ll give you tetanus. |
 OscarTheDelight | I once saw him eat an entire sandwich made of nails. |
 ReduceReusRecylcle | I am certain this is true. |
PorLaportaGrande | Who are you? |
| ReduceReusRecylcle | I’m…I’m Sergi… |
PorLaportaGrande | Never heard of you. |
ReduceReusRecylcle | The remuntada against PSG? The lung-busting run before Messi’s winner at the Bernabeu? This gorgeous face? |
PorLaportaGrande | Not really ringing a bell. Wait! Were you the one we loaned to Bayern? |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | That was Coutinho, sir. |
| ReduceReusRecylcle | I’m a vice captain? |
PorLaportaGrande | Ah, of course. Naturally. I am well aware of this. So why are you still here? We don’t owe you severance do we? I thought we sent you to Preston North End. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | It’s Aston Villa and he’s still not Coutinho. He’s an entirely different human with a different name and everything. He’s in the squad. |
PorLaportaGrande | Agree to disagree. |
Mr. ProfessorEquis | What? |
 OhDaniBoy | HOLY MOLY LOOK WHO’S HERE |
| PorLaportaGrande | Coutinho? Yeah, we were just— |
OhDaniBoy | Hint, it’s me! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Yes, thank you for coming to the team talk. |
PorLaportaGrande | DANI! DANI! DANI! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | This is going to be a tough one. Remember, Simeone will have his team ready to play. They’ll go in hard and press us intensely. We worked on our width in training, so try to remember the ball progression channels we discussed. Win in the half spaces, win the match. |
| Nico | And watch out for the nails! |
 OscarTheDelight | Don’t eat any sandwiches they offer you! |
 Pedri | I would simply take these nail sandwiches, turn them towards them, and slowly press them into their chests while I looked into their eyes. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | That is very specific— |
PorLaportaGrande | I LOVE IT |
| KoemanGetMe | I taught him that! |
PorLaportaGrande | I HATE IT |
| I<3Cows | I can’t help wondering why it is that the younger generation of players doesn’t have screennames. Is it because they are simply “over” having to be creative in their public expressions of self or are they rebelling against the orthodoxy of— |
| Gavi | This is WhatsApp. How does everyone even have screennames? |
 Ansu Fati | Old people are so weird. |
| Dani Alves | Can’t teach them anything. |
| Nico | You’re literally my grandfather. |
| Dani Alves | And yet… |
| Nico | And yet I respect you as if we have shared the most intimate and soul-binding experiences. You are both a revered elder and a trusted peer. A true enigma. |
| I<3Cows | —of course, that’s obviates the need to, as Nietsche once said— |
| ErnieGreenValley | Shut up, man! Always with the philosophy! |
 Yannick Carrasco, Belgian footballer of great renown | /scores |
PorLaportaGrande | OH NOOOOO |
 BlackADAMA | It’s okay, I’m here too! I came with a screename and everything. Ha! I’m The Rock! See what I did there? |
No1DraftPique | That is too cool. |
| Gavi | I weirdly respect this. |
| Dani Alves | Respect this. |
Dani Alves | /assist |
 AlbaAndTheChipmunks | /goal |
PorLaportaGrande | OH YESSSSS |
AlbaAndTheChipmunks | I played a defense! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | I think we’re going to have to discuss the meaning of words— |
| Gavi | Mr. Dani, I do respect that. I respect that so much I want to be it. |
| BlackADAMA | /assist |
| Gavi | /goal |
| Gavi | I have unlocked the Respect achievement! |
PorLaportaGrande | I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST JANUARY IN HISTORY |
 Ferran | Hey everyone I just wanted to say that I am about to score an incredible goal |
| Ferran | /biff |
 R Dot Araujo | /goal |
| Ferran | I said assist, I would get an incredible assist. |
PorLaportaGrande | I HAVE DONE THIS THIS IS MY DOING |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Which part, the misspeaking or the biffing— |
PorLaportaGrande | This also serves as my halftime talk. Please take notes. |
| Dani Alves | /goal |
PorLaportaGrande | Listen to the crowd chant my name. They know when they see a true hero of the club. |
| Gavi | It sounds like they’re saying “Dani! Dani! Dani!” |
PorLaportaGrande | That’s my nickname. |
| Gavi | Wha— |
 Uruguayshoooo | /goal |
PorLaportaGrande | YESSSS GOOOOOLLLL |
| ReduceReusRecylcle | Sir, unfortunately he no longer plays for us and hasn’t for some time. |
PorLaportaGrande | When did we get rid of you? |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | No, sir, this is Sergi Roberto, he plays for us. That opposing player is not him, it is someone completely different. |
PorLaportaGrande | If you say so… |
| Dani Alves | And now for the Gordie Howe Hat Trick! |
PorLaportaGrande | YES! THE GORDIE HOWE! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Why would you plan to— |
| Gavi | What’s a Gord— |
Dani Alves | /red card |
| Dani Alves | IT’S THE GOOOOORDIIIIIIIEEEEE HOWWWWEEEE |
| Pedri | Who? |
| Gavi | How is this a good thing? |
PorLaportaGrande | Ha ha! I love it. I bet Dani Alves has seen Stand and Deliver. |
| Nico | I trust Dani Alves with my life and the lives of my unborn descendants. He must know what he is doing. |
| ReduceReusRecylcle | He has never let us down. Sort of like me, but…better. |
PorLaportaGrande | It’s good to know you’re still 100% backing the team, Chygrynskiy. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Not even the right generation! |
 AndTheÒscarGoesTo…Hernández | I got this, brother. HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON AS ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE. WHAT THE HELL, JOAN? |
| AndTheÒscarGoesTo…Hernández | /red card |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | /yellow card |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Fine. Okay. Don’t talk back to the president, I get it. |
| KoemanGetMe | Oh ho ho, how the cows have come home to roost, eh? |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | What does that even— |
I<3Cows | As something of an expert on the matter, I can assure you that cows do not, in fact, roost. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Obviou— |
| I<3Cows | It’s possible to call this a malapropism, I think, because it’s not really an anastrophe and— |
ErnieGreenValley | Is this worth the severance? I doubt it. I could be off somewhere, doing…not this! Chopping firewood, looking up pictures of baby otters and laughing at how cute they are, filing lawsuits to demand severance like a normal person would. Literally anything else! |
| Dani Alves | Like getting a red card! Someone else get a red card, too, come on! I’m having a dance party in the locker room and it’s a bit lonely. |
| Nico | I’d join your dance party, but I can’t! I have a prior commitment. |
| Gavi | Yes, to murder. Let us seek and let us destroy. |
| Nico | The blood gods must receive their due. |
 FrenkieMyDearIDontGiveADamn | /yellow card |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Was this necess— |
 KaiserRolls | Did someone call the blood gods? |
 ButcherofBernal | They most certainly did. |
| KoemanGetMe | Right, yeah, of course now they show up. You sacrifice Ansu’s meniscus to them and they do nothing for you. Nothing. Sigh. |
| Ansu Fati | What |
PorLaportaGrande | I, uh, definitely fired him for that. That’s definitely a thing I was aware of and did something about. |
| KaiserRolls | Oh hey Dani |
| PorLaportaGrande | Hi Rafa |
| Gavi | You were serious about the nickname? |
| The moderator has signaled full time. | |
| Dani Alves | My sacrifice has not been in vain! I will celebrate by doing 400 wind sprints and eating a bowl of fruit loops laced with pop rocks. #goodcrazy |
| Nico | I have unlocked the Trust Dani Alves achievement! |
PorLaportaGrande | I have recreated perfection! We’ll win the Champions League this year! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Sir, I have some potentially bad news. |
| Pedri | Who is Gordie Howe? |
| I<3Cows | Gordon Howe (March 31, 1928 – June 10, 2016) was a Canadian professional ice hockey player. From 1946 to 1980, he played 26 seasons in the National Hockey League (NHL) and six seasons in the World Hockey Association (WHA). At his retirement, his 801 goals, 1049 assists, and 1850 total points were all NHL records that stood until they were broken by Wayne Gretzky. A 23-time NHL All-Star, he still holds the NHL record for seasons played. |
| Pedri | what — I fell asleep |
Dani Alves | What is sleep? |
| I<3Cows | Sleep is a naturally recurring state of mind and body, characterized by altered consciousness, relatively inhibited sensory activity, reduced muscle activity and inhibition of nearly all voluntary muscles during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, and reduced interactions with surroundings. It is distinguished from wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, but more reactive than a coma or disorders of consciousness, with sleep displaying different, active brain patterns. |
| Dani Alves | Boring! |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Okay, time to go home and, uh, do the thing that you do while Dani runs more sprints. |
PorLaportaGrande | Luz de Gas! |
| No1DraftPique | NFTs! |
ReduceReusRecylcle | hope someone notices me |
| BlackADAMA | Lift weights! |
KaiserRolls | Slide tackles from behind. |
| Mr. ProfessorEquis | Sure, yeah, all of those things. Definitely don’t sleep or anything. That’d be insane. Congrats on the win, though, everyone! I’m off to Zara to pick up my weekly order. |
| The moderator has turned off the lights. | |
| Dani Alves | You know, being here again is very lovely. Feels like home. I mean, obviously anywhere with wind sprints does, but this is like especially home or something. |
| KoemanGetMe | I do like it here, even if my new home smells fairly terrible all the time. Do socks smell worse than they did in 1992? |
| I<3Cows | It’s an understandable mistake to make. The increase in negative olfactory sensations appears to be linked— |
| ErnieGreenValley | I can’t take it anymore! I’ll retire and become a…a…a photographer! Yeah! Just let me down! |
 TOUREDEFORCE | DID SOMEONE SAY LIFT WEIGHTS |
| Dani Alves | oh hell yes, let’s get the whole band back together |
 HlebToYourFace | That’s what I’m talking about! |
TOUREDEFORCE | NO NOT YOU |
HlebToYourFace | hey that hurts |
 PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt | It’s okay, you get used to it |
